Updated as per Sean's arguments
By now everyone has heard that Obama has dubbed Joe Biden as the second on his presidential ticket. This is all well and good - he's white, which makes people who fear Obama's lack of whiteness much less afraid, he's older, which allows old people to feel validated and useful in our internet based, non-old-person society. Also, I heard that motherfucker has, like, 45 dicks, which places him well above the national leader standard of, like, 37 dicks, set by the our first president, George Wash.
Biden is in no way under qualified. His age and dick count are well in congruence with modern standards. However, I spent some time after the announcement really pondering the choice.
Has Obama chosen wisely? Did he cover all of his demographics? A VP isn't merely a figurehead, he is a partner in crime, a political Tonto, a stop-gap for a President's shortcomings.
In my pondering, I came up with at least 3 VP candidates I find superior to Biden in many ways.
Candidate 1:
Future Justin Tmberlake (aged 35)
Justin Timberlake - appeals to: Sexiness, tweens, Mothers, Aunts, Saturday Night Live fans, and inoffensive-hip-pop music lovers.
Let me first state that my manhood is in no way threatened by the unstoppable sexiness that is Justin Timberlake. The man can sing. The man can dance. The man can GD act and make you want to cry, because his eyes are as beautiful as newborn babies, unicorns prancing in a field of fantastical flowers under a glittering rainbow, discovering your girlfriend has prepared an entire Thanksgiving feast for you while you spent your day laboring at work (and it's august 10th and she has her period but she still fucking made it for you).
Men, I know you will agree with me, he is inoffensive and if your significant other left you for him you would in no way be hurt. He's just a better human being than you, and you've come to terms with that. Women love him, mothers adore him and hope that any man their daughters marry will hold half of the awesome that he was born with, and dads think he is a snazzy dresser.
Also, you know you nod your head when you hear one of his songs on the radio, and you roll your windows up because you are sort of embarrassed you like it, but that beat is SO damn catchy.
The only issue here is we would have to teleport him back in time, and the prospect of doubling the earth's Justin Timberlake population is still an issue that scientists are raising questions on (namely, will a black hole oh awesome form?)
Candidate 2:
The Mighty Thor
The Mighty Thor - appeals to: gross, unbridled rage and fury, chauvinism, tie-dyed shirts with bad ass scenes of destruction air-brushed onto them, Republicans, fans of Lord of the Rings and Norse Mythology.
Of the three alternate candidates, this is probably the most obvious. He is the perfect balance to Obama's calm, thoughtful approach to foreign policy. While Obama is using words to calm his enemies into submissiveness, Thor is riding his chariot and making motherfuckers' heads explode with his sweet hammer, Mjolnir. That shit flys out, kills 50 men, then goes to their village and bangs all of their recently widowed wives (leaving them filled with his mighty seed), and also grabs him a bag of baked chedder and sour cream Lays from a Sev on the way back.
You put Thor on that ticket, and I promise you every Conservative man who knows that the Iraq war is a farce, but fears that we'll lose our persona of bonafide kick-ass motherfuckers on the world stage if we leave preemptively, will be easily satiated by Thor's battle prowess and muscular physique. He will single-handedly fight and end the war for us, as our innocent troops are safely brought home. And he will do it gladly, for the glory of Valhalla, which will thenceforth be known as Val-Holla, for we shall all know that Thor is good and we are indeed "down with that mother-bitch".
As far as his not being naturally born in the U.S., have I mentioned that he has a flying boomerang hammer that can smash 50 human heads in one swing? Do you really want to step to that?
Candidate 3:
A Chik-Fil-A Sandwich
Chik-fil-A Sammish - appeals to: all things delicious, southerners, breading manufacturers, Evangelical Christians, and those who hunger after a day of mall shopping.
While Thor balances the violence and bloodthirst that Obama lacks, the classic breaded chicken sandwich from Chik-Fil-A provides us with undeniable tastiness and fried-goodness Obama could never achieve.
Imagine this scenario: Obama has used his charm to lure Palestinian and Israeli leaders into yet another peace conference. Both parties arrive, both believing this will be yet another useless summit solely to feed Obama's PR rating.
Yet, something is different today. There is a smell in the air, it is rich and meaty, yet tinged with a distinct (kosher) dill flavoring. Finding their seats at the table, they are presented with an (environmentally-friendly)
Peace ensues.
And those are my choices. Although the VP ship has sailed, I know there are some open cabinet slots. Let's see if Obama really knows what the people want.
